Memories That Will Never Be

I had moved this blog over from my Facebook for safe keeping. I didn't intend to post it (as you might have noticed it has just surfaced now, at the end of February, but is dated quite earlier). I hung out with a couple of friends of mine last night and found out that one of my friend's former students had jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. I thought that I had heard about the person from someone else, but it turns out that two teenagers had jumped last year. So I decided to post this again, for all to read.

We all have lost. Losing someone so young is not comprehensible. It should never be something that you can understand. Losing someone to suicide is something that should leave you feeling helpless, and a little empty, always. It is a mark on your life that should never fade. Not because there is anything you could have done. That I have come to accept, there was little any of us could have done, but because experiencing someone losing all faith and hope in life should forever shift your foundation and alter your reality.

So I post this to say you are not alone. We're all in it together. And together, with lessons learned, perhaps we can recognize the signs and help those contemplating their end to realize that the faith and hope they are looking for is in themselves and in those that love them. And together we can also support those who will, inevitably, suffer this great tragedy.

After over ten years I will be visiting Karen's final resting place. I am hoping to find some peace in my heart there, for myself, as well as for her. Wishing you all peace.

May 23, 2007
The day is almost done and it feels like such a blur. Ten years have past but if I close my eyes the moment sneaks back in as though it were yesterday. Thinking back on my past ten years of life I cannot imagine how it could possibly have stayed so vivid.

I remember hearing the words from Jasmine down in her yard. She said them so matter-of-factly before taking a drag off of her cigarette. I smiled. I have always felt guilty about that smile. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t feeling an ounce of joy. It didn’t occur to me until a few years had past that I was in shock. Ten years later and I don’t think I would react any differently. At twenty four I am still as ill prepared as I was at fourteen for such devastating news.

I remember who I was with. I remember going downstairs to find my friends’ parents in the living room with my mom trying to figure out how to tell us. I do not remember anything from my life in those few months that did not have a direct connection to Karen. There was no room in my consciousness for anything else. It was not just coping with the loss of a friend, grieving is not something that you have to learn how to do, that part came naturally. It was coming to terms with never knowing why. Suicide comes with about a million different versions of the question why. To this day I have not a single answer.

We have all heard it in a time of loss, “Time will ease your pain/Time heals all/Just give it some time/It will be easier with time.”. Each year I wake up on May 23rd hoping that this is true, giving myself a moment to see how it will feel this year. I never have really felt much in that moment. At least not the stabbing pain that there should be. An ache in my stomach and a feeling of dread is as close as I ever get to the agony that is warranted. It is entirely possible that the loss was such a shock to my system that, to this day, I remain numb.

This year was different. Last night I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep at all. For the first time in a couple years I cried for her. This year the day hit me like an eighteen wheeler. I woke up and was grateful for the dark. I wasn’t ready for the sun yet.

Thinking back on many of the different moments of hope, fear, sadness and excitement I have felt over the past ten years I became completely overwhelmed with the fact that she will never have those moments. She will never have a sense of independence with her first job and her first apartment. She will never have that warm ball of pride in her stomach with her first purchase using her first paycheck that is no ones but her own. She will never be able to appreciate the pure joy of grocery shopping on payday after over a week of nothing but pasta. She will never have a great love, a real relationship. She will never have that amazing feeling when the hopelessness of a devastating heartbreak is lifted with the potential of a new love.

After ten years something else has happened. The little bits of memories that fade with each passing day have now turned into a significant block, and I feel as though I‘m losing her. I remember more details about the days following her death than I do about the days we spent together while she was alive. I have forgotten her voice. How awful. The first picture of her face that I see in my head is one of a girl in a baby blue box with silver angels on the corners. I desperately wish it was one of her smile wearing her blue lipstick.

I never mourned her the way she deserved to be because I had no idea what she had really given up, neither did she. This year was different. This year I cried for her and all she will never see and do, for all that we will never see and do together and for all of my lost memories.

We miss you dear friend.

Karen Striplin

February 23, 1983-May 23 1997

Las Vegas Marathon

Yesterday I ran the Las Vegas Marathon with my brother, Nate, and my friend Sarah. Jessie and Danielle bust out the half. It started as Sarah's 25th birthday party and ended up being one of the most self realizing days of my life.

I met Nate at SFO on Friday and after an hour delay we were off.

Once in Las Vegas we checked into the Luxor Hotel and changed to go to the Expo where we needed to sign up to run the marathon. First we went to register and get our bibs, shirts and goodie bags.

Then we met up with Sarah and Danielle to shop around before going back to the hotel to get ready to go out.

That night we met up with Mr. Mark (Mark, Sarah and I used to work at Bank of the West in Concord together back in the day) and his softball team for dinner. Good food and good people made for a great time before heading to the Hard Rock Cafe to gamble and get a little rowdy.
Back at their room we classed it up swiggin' Absolut and Diet Coke out of the bottle. We went down for everyone to gamble. Danielle won $100 and Nate, well, Nate cashed out, but he got to gamble for the first time since his 21st birthday. We made some friends at the bar with a few Philly boys and hung out until there was only one thing left to do... dance!

At the club we realized that Danielle lost her ID so we ditched the boys, got some food and crashed instead.

Saturday was a lazy day. Time to rest up for the marathon. Nate and I went out to dinner for our carb-fest at seven. By seven thirty I was in the middle of my salad and had an epiphany! How amazing would it be to eat my seafood risotto in my pj's watching TV? We got our food to go and went back to the room to get to bed early for our big day the next morning.

Five AM, holy shit! Time to get up and get ready to run.

We got dressed and went to meet up with the rest of the gang. Walking to the starting line Elvis welcomed us over the stereo, as well of the hundreds of Elvises that turned out to win the Guiness Book record for most Elvises to run a marathon. Robin Leach sent us on our way with a splash of fireworks.
The five of us started together. Running down The Strip past Blue Man Group and all of the glitter of Vegas. After the first mile we stopped to stretch and Nate split off on his own. I wasn't sure how he would do pacing himself but I should have known he would do great.
I ran with Sarah, Jessie and Danielle until Sarah had to rock the Port-O. Off we went on our own ways to face the open desert. It didn't take long before Baldwin caught me. The pace was good and I ran for the first eleven miles without stopping. God it felt amazing! Walking for 30 seconds to a minute at a time at the water stops helped me not burn out but slowed me down a bit. Sarah eventually ran on ahead and I was alone to let my mind wonder with the music blaring through my headphones. Through mile 17 we went back and forth passing each other and then she was on her way.

My legs started to burn. My joints were tight and the sun was bright. Only nine miles to go... ONLY? I ran off and on (more on than off. In the end I ran around 23 miles total) to mile 20. When I saw the mile 20 I knew I wanted it. Suddenly I knew I didn't just want to try, I wanted to get it, and I wanted to get it in under 6 hours... run!

The only way to get my legs to go was to go up on my toes and lean forward giving them an ultimatum: run, or eat pavement.

Mile 24 made me want to do cartwheels. I had 40 minutes to get there at the six hour marker. I thought the guy running next to me was going to collapse with laughter as I did my "lean forward and run" routine. Move your ass, move your ass, move your ass... Go! I ran in spurts and walked as fast as I could. I have never had to dig so deep inside of my being to get something done. It took everything I had, and I didn't hesitate for a moment to give it all.

I forgot that there is a ".2" at the end of the "26" so when I saw the 26 mile marker and no one there I choked up, and started running like I had been at mile eight. God I'm not finished yet! When I saw the finish line I started to cry. The wave of emotion was so intense. Every time I thought of the marathon, while I was training, the moment at the finish line never crossed my mind. Maybe I didn't really think that I would finish. Yet here I was, 26.2 miles later, finishing a full marathon in 5 hours 45 minutes. When I saw everyone at the finish line Sarah's eyes caught mine and we both lost it. Crossing the finish line they put a medal around my neck and handed me a rose. Oh my God, this is real. Sarah finished ten minutes ahead of me and Nate, the freak of nature that he is, finished in four and a quarter hours. It is a great thing for us all to share and I am so proud of them.
After we got all of our stuff together Mike and Donna (Sarah's parents) took us to get some food. It was neat to see people walking around wearing their medals. We all had the same "I just ran further than any human body was ever made to run" limp and couldn't help but smile at one another.

After brunch we went back to the room, showered and slept. We went to dinner for Baldwin's birthday and then Nate and I had to get to the airport.

Today I have pain like nothing I have ever felt. I hurt. I hurt really bad. My muscles are getting better (the sudden muscle spasms in my legs that threaten to topple me over are fewer and further between and I can bend my knees again). My ankle is soooo fucked up! Wow! I didn't know I could have done it so dirty and still been able to stand let alone finished the race. I was wrong, ha ha! I can feel the tendinitis in my left ankle, that hindered my training a couple of months ago, all throughout my foot now. The tendinitis in my hip from my Elephant Bar days is back and I am pretty sure my right big toe nail is comin' off. All of this is overshadowed by this ridiculous feeling of accomplishment I have. I can't help but smile through the exhaustion of two hours of sleep and the intense workout of yesterday.

Nate says he would never do it again. I will. I will train easier but longer and fully intend to chip away at my time with every go at it. In the mean time it is great to know that five or even ten Ks won't be a problem and will even be something that I will enjoy to do in the future.

I know that this was my accomplishment. I took those 55 thousand steps (I wore a pedometer my mom gave me just to see) all on my own. But I have to thank Baldwin for planting the idea as a possibility. I would have never done it on my own.

**More pictures in my Picasa album linked below.**