Memories That Will Never Be

I had moved this blog over from my Facebook for safe keeping. I didn't intend to post it (as you might have noticed it has just surfaced now, at the end of February, but is dated quite earlier). I hung out with a couple of friends of mine last night and found out that one of my friend's former students had jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. I thought that I had heard about the person from someone else, but it turns out that two teenagers had jumped last year. So I decided to post this again, for all to read.

We all have lost. Losing someone so young is not comprehensible. It should never be something that you can understand. Losing someone to suicide is something that should leave you feeling helpless, and a little empty, always. It is a mark on your life that should never fade. Not because there is anything you could have done. That I have come to accept, there was little any of us could have done, but because experiencing someone losing all faith and hope in life should forever shift your foundation and alter your reality.

So I post this to say you are not alone. We're all in it together. And together, with lessons learned, perhaps we can recognize the signs and help those contemplating their end to realize that the faith and hope they are looking for is in themselves and in those that love them. And together we can also support those who will, inevitably, suffer this great tragedy.

After over ten years I will be visiting Karen's final resting place. I am hoping to find some peace in my heart there, for myself, as well as for her. Wishing you all peace.

May 23, 2007
The day is almost done and it feels like such a blur. Ten years have past but if I close my eyes the moment sneaks back in as though it were yesterday. Thinking back on my past ten years of life I cannot imagine how it could possibly have stayed so vivid.

I remember hearing the words from Jasmine down in her yard. She said them so matter-of-factly before taking a drag off of her cigarette. I smiled. I have always felt guilty about that smile. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t feeling an ounce of joy. It didn’t occur to me until a few years had past that I was in shock. Ten years later and I don’t think I would react any differently. At twenty four I am still as ill prepared as I was at fourteen for such devastating news.

I remember who I was with. I remember going downstairs to find my friends’ parents in the living room with my mom trying to figure out how to tell us. I do not remember anything from my life in those few months that did not have a direct connection to Karen. There was no room in my consciousness for anything else. It was not just coping with the loss of a friend, grieving is not something that you have to learn how to do, that part came naturally. It was coming to terms with never knowing why. Suicide comes with about a million different versions of the question why. To this day I have not a single answer.

We have all heard it in a time of loss, “Time will ease your pain/Time heals all/Just give it some time/It will be easier with time.”. Each year I wake up on May 23rd hoping that this is true, giving myself a moment to see how it will feel this year. I never have really felt much in that moment. At least not the stabbing pain that there should be. An ache in my stomach and a feeling of dread is as close as I ever get to the agony that is warranted. It is entirely possible that the loss was such a shock to my system that, to this day, I remain numb.

This year was different. Last night I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep at all. For the first time in a couple years I cried for her. This year the day hit me like an eighteen wheeler. I woke up and was grateful for the dark. I wasn’t ready for the sun yet.

Thinking back on many of the different moments of hope, fear, sadness and excitement I have felt over the past ten years I became completely overwhelmed with the fact that she will never have those moments. She will never have a sense of independence with her first job and her first apartment. She will never have that warm ball of pride in her stomach with her first purchase using her first paycheck that is no ones but her own. She will never be able to appreciate the pure joy of grocery shopping on payday after over a week of nothing but pasta. She will never have a great love, a real relationship. She will never have that amazing feeling when the hopelessness of a devastating heartbreak is lifted with the potential of a new love.

After ten years something else has happened. The little bits of memories that fade with each passing day have now turned into a significant block, and I feel as though I‘m losing her. I remember more details about the days following her death than I do about the days we spent together while she was alive. I have forgotten her voice. How awful. The first picture of her face that I see in my head is one of a girl in a baby blue box with silver angels on the corners. I desperately wish it was one of her smile wearing her blue lipstick.

I never mourned her the way she deserved to be because I had no idea what she had really given up, neither did she. This year was different. This year I cried for her and all she will never see and do, for all that we will never see and do together and for all of my lost memories.

We miss you dear friend.

Karen Striplin

February 23, 1983-May 23 1997

Las Vegas Marathon

Yesterday I ran the Las Vegas Marathon with my brother, Nate, and my friend Sarah. Jessie and Danielle bust out the half. It started as Sarah's 25th birthday party and ended up being one of the most self realizing days of my life.

I met Nate at SFO on Friday and after an hour delay we were off.

Once in Las Vegas we checked into the Luxor Hotel and changed to go to the Expo where we needed to sign up to run the marathon. First we went to register and get our bibs, shirts and goodie bags.

Then we met up with Sarah and Danielle to shop around before going back to the hotel to get ready to go out.

That night we met up with Mr. Mark (Mark, Sarah and I used to work at Bank of the West in Concord together back in the day) and his softball team for dinner. Good food and good people made for a great time before heading to the Hard Rock Cafe to gamble and get a little rowdy.
Back at their room we classed it up swiggin' Absolut and Diet Coke out of the bottle. We went down for everyone to gamble. Danielle won $100 and Nate, well, Nate cashed out, but he got to gamble for the first time since his 21st birthday. We made some friends at the bar with a few Philly boys and hung out until there was only one thing left to do... dance!

At the club we realized that Danielle lost her ID so we ditched the boys, got some food and crashed instead.

Saturday was a lazy day. Time to rest up for the marathon. Nate and I went out to dinner for our carb-fest at seven. By seven thirty I was in the middle of my salad and had an epiphany! How amazing would it be to eat my seafood risotto in my pj's watching TV? We got our food to go and went back to the room to get to bed early for our big day the next morning.

Five AM, holy shit! Time to get up and get ready to run.

We got dressed and went to meet up with the rest of the gang. Walking to the starting line Elvis welcomed us over the stereo, as well of the hundreds of Elvises that turned out to win the Guiness Book record for most Elvises to run a marathon. Robin Leach sent us on our way with a splash of fireworks.
The five of us started together. Running down The Strip past Blue Man Group and all of the glitter of Vegas. After the first mile we stopped to stretch and Nate split off on his own. I wasn't sure how he would do pacing himself but I should have known he would do great.
I ran with Sarah, Jessie and Danielle until Sarah had to rock the Port-O. Off we went on our own ways to face the open desert. It didn't take long before Baldwin caught me. The pace was good and I ran for the first eleven miles without stopping. God it felt amazing! Walking for 30 seconds to a minute at a time at the water stops helped me not burn out but slowed me down a bit. Sarah eventually ran on ahead and I was alone to let my mind wonder with the music blaring through my headphones. Through mile 17 we went back and forth passing each other and then she was on her way.

My legs started to burn. My joints were tight and the sun was bright. Only nine miles to go... ONLY? I ran off and on (more on than off. In the end I ran around 23 miles total) to mile 20. When I saw the mile 20 I knew I wanted it. Suddenly I knew I didn't just want to try, I wanted to get it, and I wanted to get it in under 6 hours... run!

The only way to get my legs to go was to go up on my toes and lean forward giving them an ultimatum: run, or eat pavement.

Mile 24 made me want to do cartwheels. I had 40 minutes to get there at the six hour marker. I thought the guy running next to me was going to collapse with laughter as I did my "lean forward and run" routine. Move your ass, move your ass, move your ass... Go! I ran in spurts and walked as fast as I could. I have never had to dig so deep inside of my being to get something done. It took everything I had, and I didn't hesitate for a moment to give it all.

I forgot that there is a ".2" at the end of the "26" so when I saw the 26 mile marker and no one there I choked up, and started running like I had been at mile eight. God I'm not finished yet! When I saw the finish line I started to cry. The wave of emotion was so intense. Every time I thought of the marathon, while I was training, the moment at the finish line never crossed my mind. Maybe I didn't really think that I would finish. Yet here I was, 26.2 miles later, finishing a full marathon in 5 hours 45 minutes. When I saw everyone at the finish line Sarah's eyes caught mine and we both lost it. Crossing the finish line they put a medal around my neck and handed me a rose. Oh my God, this is real. Sarah finished ten minutes ahead of me and Nate, the freak of nature that he is, finished in four and a quarter hours. It is a great thing for us all to share and I am so proud of them.
After we got all of our stuff together Mike and Donna (Sarah's parents) took us to get some food. It was neat to see people walking around wearing their medals. We all had the same "I just ran further than any human body was ever made to run" limp and couldn't help but smile at one another.

After brunch we went back to the room, showered and slept. We went to dinner for Baldwin's birthday and then Nate and I had to get to the airport.

Today I have pain like nothing I have ever felt. I hurt. I hurt really bad. My muscles are getting better (the sudden muscle spasms in my legs that threaten to topple me over are fewer and further between and I can bend my knees again). My ankle is soooo fucked up! Wow! I didn't know I could have done it so dirty and still been able to stand let alone finished the race. I was wrong, ha ha! I can feel the tendinitis in my left ankle, that hindered my training a couple of months ago, all throughout my foot now. The tendinitis in my hip from my Elephant Bar days is back and I am pretty sure my right big toe nail is comin' off. All of this is overshadowed by this ridiculous feeling of accomplishment I have. I can't help but smile through the exhaustion of two hours of sleep and the intense workout of yesterday.

Nate says he would never do it again. I will. I will train easier but longer and fully intend to chip away at my time with every go at it. In the mean time it is great to know that five or even ten Ks won't be a problem and will even be something that I will enjoy to do in the future.

I know that this was my accomplishment. I took those 55 thousand steps (I wore a pedometer my mom gave me just to see) all on my own. But I have to thank Baldwin for planting the idea as a possibility. I would have never done it on my own.

**More pictures in my Picasa album linked below.**

Online Apartment Hunt

Of all of the apartments that I have browsed over the past month this picture really is the best. How do you list an apartment and post a picture of a bedroom with a pole in the middle with no explanation?

I can make all of the assumptions I want, but Virginia definately will have some surprises in store for me!

PICTURES

Now my pictures are all in one place too.

http://picasaweb.google.com/pamela.a.jacobson

ENJOY!

Big Sur, CA with Skinner, Yiming, Jon and Jason

By the end of the day on Monday I was ready to go. It took every bit of my willpower to I went home and packed and packed and prepped food and prepped food...

Friday morning it was a bit more of a rush than I thought. It started with me hacking my finger and so I ran around packing with one usable hand. Jason dropped his tent by and my mom brought over a few odds and ends that I had forgotten in Benicia. Loaded up the car and headed out.

Driving down the coast was amazing. I haven't driven down all the way down the coast in daylight in years. The California coast still takes my breath away. I pulled into a turn out and stood at the edge of the cliff. It only took a moment to be lost in the curvature of the horizon. I have never found another place where I feel like I am standing on the edge of the world. I needed so badly to escape from my thoughts, even if just for a moment. Getting down to the campsite made me smile. Remembering time spent in that very site with Dori, and nearby with Baldwin, Sarah, Matt, Jason and Mark, the gorge with my family, the memories flooded back.

I set up the tents fast and unloaded the firewood etc. It was dark before I knew it and so I sat down to read. The family camping next to our site invited me over for dinner. They were very nice and it was great to have some company.

The rest of the gang showed up around ten. They had some minor car problems that had slowed them down. I was so happy to see all of them. We had finally arrived! Some beers and a few hot dogs around the fire and the stress of the week completely melted away.

The next morning I was up at eight and everyone else soon followed (with some resistance). Jon melted his super-dooper camping fork making bacon and we all sat around the fire eatting eggs, bacon, and crossants friend in butter and honey.

We left soon after for Buzzard's Roost, a three mile hike round trip... uphill. After a couple of weeks without running I was more than game! Racing to the top the view ended up being anticlimatic but the breeze was worth it. The treck back down was easy and we were back at camp before we knew it. Jon took off to get some things that I forgot. Hey, it was bound to happen. When he got back we all decided to go to the beach. It was spectacular. Everyone split off to explore on their own. Of course, I ended up in the water. I rolled up my jeans but my attention soon strayed and I was soaked. There was a great rock formation and tide pools. After a while we all met back up and ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with a bottle of red. After sunset we drove back and I went for a short dip in the river. I do it everytime I'm there. It being November doesn't change anything. I went to take a shower and came back to a nice big fire.

We cooked dinner. It was damn good if I do say so myself! Chicken and veggies cooked in foil over the fire. Some lively conversation and beers passed the time as the rain moved in and then really started to dump. Around nine we decided to call it a night. Skinner, Yiming and I were in my parents' old tent. It leaked like crazy! I was able to catch a few hours of sleep before getting up to go to work.

In the morning the weather hadn't passed so almost everything that I loaded into my car was wet. The frosting on the cake was Jon's stove not lighting, gah! No coffee!

Three hours later and I was at Earl's for work. Gobbed in mud and smelling of campfire smoke I welcomed a new week.

Back to the grind...

POINT A TO POINT B (and the yummy, gooey stuff in the middle): The plan

CROSS COUNTRY ROAD TRIP AND SOME BALLPARK DATES
Any ideas you can give me would be so appreciated! I want the goods people...

1. San Francisco, CA to Yosemite National Park (5 hours, 195 miles)
8/01-8/04
I haven't been to Yosemite in years so I knew it had to be my first stop. I leave the first of August and it just so happens to be a Friday. (Hoping this will turn into a fun California crew camping trip... or anyone who feels like hiking the backside of Half Dome!)

2. Yosemite National Park to Las Vegas, NV (7 hours, 350 miles)
8/4-8/6
Off to Vegas! But not the Vegas that most go to visit... I'm going to see Custer, Shannon and the twins! Yey Ben and Soph!

3. Las Vegas, NV to Zion National Park, Springdale, UT (2 ½ hours, 158 miles)
8/6-8/9
I can't wait for Zion National Park. I have been hearing about it forever from everyone and am so excited. A side trip to the north ridge of the Grand Canyon... perfection.

4. Springdale, UT to Denver, CO (9 ¼ hours, 634 miles)
8/9-8/10
Hoping that Robbie will still be there (The only time that I have ever wanted him not to move back to California), if not Jeff might have to loan me a couch.

5. Denver, CO to Albuquerque, NM (6 ½ hours, 448 miles)
8/10-8/12
Visiting an old friend. I'm hoping I can find her.

6. Albuquerque, NM to Austin, TX (12 hours, 841 miles)
8/12-8/14
If Mark doesn't move to China I'm hijacking his couch and making him show me around the only (from what I hear for a San Francisco local) tolerable city in Texas.

7. Austin, TX to Fort Worth, TX (3 hours, 189 miles)
8/14-8/15
Where Skinner's folks said I could stay! I am really excited to see where she grew up.

8. Fort Worth, TX to New Orleans, LA (8 ½ hours, 559 miles)
8/15-8/17
I love Louisiana. Jason's mom offered me a place to stay. I would really like to see more of the swamp lands.

9. New Orleans, LA to Memphis, TN (6 hours, 399 miles)
8/17-8/19
One thing sold me on Memphis... and it wasn't Elvis. BBQ!! All of the guide books say it's the place to be for rib joints and I'm all in!

10. Memphis, TN to Nashville, TN (3 ¼ hours, 214 miles)
8/19-8/21
Yee Haw! I'm going to all of the country bars and doin' the town right in my cowboy boots and painted on jeans! Not to even mention how excited I am to see Megan and meet Miss Panama!

11. Nashville, TN to Birmingham, AL (3 hours, 191 miles)
8/21-8/22
So much history. Impossible to pass up but not enough time to do it justice. At least I can get one god day in.

12. Birmingham, AL to Charlotte, NC (6 ¼ hours, 393 miles)
8/22-8/23
It's a good half way point and I've heard some good things. If I feel up to busting out a 13 hour drive I might pass if no one can give me a good reason to stop.

13. Charlotte, NC to Arlington, VA (6 ½ hours, 400 miles)
HOME!

Recent Festivities

I have been on a kick lately where I want to do everything I can here in San Francisco before I leave. With the one year out marker passing on by it that means that there are many last chances to be had! On top of that I have a great group of friends that are equally into getting out there and seeing what the city has to offer so it has been super fun to put together San Francisco stuff for us to do. Here are some of the recent goodies!

The "We're Not Moving Party": Kate, me, Nate, Stacy, Jon (right) Skinner, Amanda and Nina (left)

My Project Rwanda Fundraiser: Me, Kate and Eric (left) Pablo, Will, Christie, Jon and Skinner (right)

Heather's Wiggin' out 24th Birthday Party: Natalie, me, Heather, Ash and Dana (left) Natalie, Heather, Naia, me and Ash (right)

Yiming and Skinner's Promotion Party: Skinner, me, Jon, Amanda, Maeve, Stacy, Robert and Yiming (left), Stacy, Amanda and Maeve with the velvet painting

The Shins Concert: Jon and me (left) Heather, Yiming and Robert (right)

Funky Door Fun!

I'm going to start this thing off with an up curve. It has been one of the only ones I have had over the past couple of weeks and I needed it.

*Just to put it into context, here is what the up curve is countering:
1. A couple of micromanaging folks at work that are going to drive me mad.
2. Dealing with the guilt of planning events for work that I know they might not want me to be part of since I will be giving notice before they actually happen.
3. My grandma is getting back surgery next week.
4. My jacked ankle, again and again and again and again... that's an exageration, this is only a three-peat.
5. A boy. Not getting into it because it's irrelivant and just something that needs to be moved past into the solid friendship I know it can be.
6. The missed opportunity of living near Lisa and David. I stayed in San Francisco for my job but just prolonged the inevitable. Now they are moving to London before I get there.
7. The stupid bitch that I rear ended is now claiming injury and so is her passenger.
**that's enough of that, but Bikram makes me happy, in spite of all of this crap...

A week ago I hurt my ankle running. I thought it was a foot cramp but now it appears that we are looking at tendinitis and a couple of other things that I can't pronounce. That means no running. None, nada, NO RUNNING. It makes me so sad. Another bump in the road that is my left ankle (Jay, we should just keep an open line of credit on this one don'tcha think, ha ha).

I swim a couple of times a week but I'm not a huge fan. It was after I got hurt that I found Bikram Yoga at the Funky Door! Bikram pushes and pushes until you want to die. And they do it in 110 degree heat. I love it! No walking on eggshells because of my injuries, no modifications just in case. It's all the way, the whole time, and it makes me feel wonderful!

As for the ankle, I have to change my Sports Medicine appointment and get a call back on my xrays. I am also waiting on a call back from the one and only Rock Star Gray Williams, my surgeon, for a second opinion. Wait and see time. Just hoping they figure it out before the marathon.

NOTE: I'm still running bitches! It's not over until I say so.